Impossible

It is almost impossible to write this post. 

It has been almost impossible for me to get through a single day since last Friday morning, without breaking down into tears. Many sleepless nights have passed for all of us this week. 

When I drop my children off at school, when I tuck them into bed, when I wrap their Christmas presents- it is almost impossible to function. The sadness is too heavy. 

It is almost impossible for me to wrap my head around the horrible, unthinkable murder of 20 beautiful children and 6 adults that took place in Connecticut last week. 

It is almost impossible to talk about this horror. 

But we have to. 

As a mother, when I was pregnant with my third son, I would wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats and total panic. Because it was so hard to believe that I was putting myself into this vulnerable position again; to love someone that much and to have three little babies that relied solely on my husband and me to keep them safe. The risks that we face everyday are so frightening. 

We spend every single waking and sleeping moment knowing that these little beings actually exist...these little humans that we live and breathe for. 

It’s so frightening to know that these amazing little people who mean so much to you that you can barely breathe when you think of them, are out there in the world. A part of your body and your heart, but a part that can also physically leave your side. 

It’s so frightening to know that even though you want to be with them and protect them, in every single way humanly possible, each and every second of every day- you can not. 

The reality is that this is impossible to do. You trust that your children will be safe. You teach them to look both ways and to not play in the street. You teach them not to talk to strangers, you teach them every thing you can think of that will keep them safe.

You learn that you have to let them go. You secretly want to lock them safely in an ivory tower, but you can not. 

But what do you do when your children are not safe? How can you even begin to teach your children about something as unexpected and horrific as this? As unthinkable? 

When I told my 6 year old son about the killings in Connecticut, it was too much for him to understand.  I told him in the most "age appropriate" way I could.  That a very bad man has hurt a lot of other children. I told him myself, because I didn't want him to hear stories about it on the playground at school. I wanted him to know that he could talk to his parents about anything he heard or wanted to know. 

My 6 year old son asked me if he should never go to school again. I said, 

"No, you should go to school again, that bad man is gone now." 

My 6 year old son asked me, "Will it happen again?" 

I looked at him and I lied to him. 

"No, baby.... This is not going to happen again."

These families in Newtown.... I can not imagine the pain and total devastation they are going through. 
I want to reach out to each and every single one of them and hold them close forever.  To somehow make this insanity go away. 

I send so much love and compassion and empathy to the families of the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre. We will forever hold your children in our thoughts and hearts. 

We share your pain. We share your sorrow. We will not forget. 

I am so full of fear, and I am so full of shame that I lied to my son. 

Because, this will happen again. Another mentally ill mad man will get his hands on a assault rifle that is designed for warfare and he will kill innocent people when they least expect it. He will let off unimaginable rounds of ammunition in the time it takes for police to arrive on the scene. When the police do arrive this mad man will, most likely, take his own life. 

How do I know this? Because in the last year over 30,000 American's died due to gun fire, many of them children. 

Because copy cat threats are being made in many states already. 

Because on the VERY day I was talking to my son, a man went to our local mall and randomly fired 50 rounds into the air before he was arrested. Thank God he didn't hurt anyone.

This is not a "us" vs "them" situation. This is a U.S situation. 

We need to stop with the my side, your side political "Team" mentality.  This is not about being left, this is not about being right.... This is about being human. 

This is a time for everything to be put on the table and for America to come to a middle ground agreement about GUN CONTROL. 

Not abolishing the 2nd amendment. Not taking away a person's right to own a fire arm. 

If you feel you need to have a gun in your home to protect yourself then by all means, do so. 

But in the interest of reason and safety, in a world where evil men and mentally illness do exist, lets agree to a very strict and thorough process to obtain such a weapon. 

In my ideal world, in my idealistic heart.... I would take every single gun in our country and make it disappear. 

I will never own a gun. I will never allow my three boys to bring any toy guns into my home, we will not glorify murder, war & violence under our roof. 
We will not play "Call of Duty" or "Halo" or any of the multi-million dollar video game industry's "games" which use humans as target practice (extra points for shots to the head).  

I know what it is like as an American to hold our rights close to our hearts. 

I expect respect regarding the right to control my own body. I want people to have the right to marry who they want. When these rights are threatened I get angry and I get defensive. 

So yes... As a liberal American, I can see that many people value their right to hold fire arms to protect themselves.  Many American's hold dear their right to pursue their "sport" of animal hunting.  

And out of respect, I can not ask for that right to be taken away, just as I assume that the rights I value will be left in place. 

But I think we can agree as a nation, that something must be done. Changes must be made to the way things stand today. 

I have many friends who fall on the other side of the party lines then I do. 
People, I know are wonderful humans who love their children in the exact same way that I do. 

I believe that humanity is bigger then what party you align yourself with. I believe that fundamentally we all value similar things. 

Call me naive if you wish. 

Now is the time.

Now is the time to have a civil conversation about what we will and will not tolerate in this country.  

Now is the time to turn the lie I told my 6 year old son into the truth. 

Now is the time for me to turn this paralyzing fear into power. 

My power does not come from an Ivy League education. 

My power does not come from a legal scholar’s understanding of the 2nd amendment. 

My power does not come from an extensive knowledge of the inner workings of government. 

My power comes from my heart, from heart of a mother. The heart that looks at the horrors of the world and then into the eyes of my children and your children and screams NO! 

Our voices are our power. We need to use them. 

We must act before this happen again.  As parents, as a nation, as loving people with broken hearts. 

We can use our voices to stand up with our President and our government, to agree that something must be done.  We stand behind any and all changes that can help prevent these horrific events from happening. 

We can no longer quietly morn the lives of innocents, while semiautomatic weapons and high-capacity ammunition magazines continue to fall into the hands of madmen. 

We can ask our government to do more for the mentally ill and the families of the mentally ill to cope with their diseases. 

We can use our voices to show that as Americans we would like to come to a middle ground on this issue to make sure that we’ve done something! 

To make our voices so loud, to call for strict regulations to be enacted regarding the manufacture, sale and possession of weapons designed for war & mass slaughter. 

I believe that responsible gun owners would agree. 

We can not allow this to become a political stalemate. We can not let this issue get stuck in the quagmire of our governments back and forth as it has so many times before. 

This is not about being a Republican or being a Democrat. This is about protecting the future and safety of our children. 

This is about coming together as "We the People.” About using our voices as a collective democracy to change the course of our country. 

This is about our not having to lie to our kids. 

This is about having a clear and open heart when we do the hardest thing in the world for a parent to do every single day: kiss your child goodbye and trust that when you tell them you will see them later, you WILL see them later. 

Our fight for reform should be dedicated to the lives of each and every person who has lost their lives at the hands of an armed killer. But most especially to the heroic teachers and little beautiful children in Newtown. 

Rest in Peace sweet souls. 

1. Charlotte Bacon, 6
2. Daniel Barden, 7
3. Olivia Engel, 6
4. Josephine Gay, 7
5. Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 6
6. Dylan Hockley, 6
7. Madeleine F. Hsu, 6
8. Catherine V. Hubbard, 6
9. Chase Kowalski, 7
10. Jesse Lewis, 6
11. James Mattioli, 6
12. Grace McDonnell, 7
13. Emilie Parker, 6
14. Jack Pinto, 6
15. Noah Pozner, 6
16. Caroline Previdi, 6
17. Jessica Rekos, 6
18. Aviele Richman, 6
19. Benjamin Wheeler, 6
20. Allison N. Wyatt, 6
21.  Dawn Hochsprung, 47
22.  Rachel Davino, 29
23. Anne Marie Murphy, 52 
24. Lauren Rousseau, 30
25. Mary Sherlach, 56
26. Victoria Soto, 27

May our country never forget you, I know I can not. 

Please look into standing up for America. 

http://www.demandaplan.org